I gave birth to my daughter on April 28, 2208 at 5:04 am. It was not the birth we had planned and happened very unexpectedly and with complications. I had severe eclampsia, suffered a grand mal seizure in the middle of labor and pushed her out in 4 minutes because her heart rate had dropped. She was not breathing when she came out and as many moms know the first question out of my mouth was "Is she ok?" Of course no one would answer me and my husband just kept holding my hand. She was whisked away to the NICU and only a few minutes later, my husband was asked if he wanted to see her. I was relieved to hear those words. I was still hooked up to an IV of magnesium to keep me from seizing again, along with a Foley catheter and high on adrenalin from the excitement and seriousness of the situation. While I was being attended to, I told this story.
I knew when I met my husband that he was "the one." He was it. I knew from a very young age that I didn't want to have children. I had my reasons for it and they were valid to me, but I let him know up front. It was never an issue between us and we married a couple of years later.
In the past few years, I have worked through some issues that I didn't realize were keeping me from thinking differently about myself, particularly as possibly a parent. It seems, I never believed that I would make a good mother. I would watch the programs that show births and I never really believed that someone could be that happy to bring a child into the world. I would think to myself, "That can't possibly be true. It doesn't happen like that, does it?" After addressing the painful and difficult assumptions about myself, I realized I wanted nothing more than to have a baby. Especially with someone I admire, adore and truly love and respect with all my heart. Last year after two miscarriages, we became pregnant and I was as happy as the day we got married. We were delighted and I figured, we're on our way! But, my husband seemed a bit quiet and thoughtful over the next few weeks and didn't seem quite as excited as I was. Finally I had to ask, " What's up? You don't seem as happy about the baby as you were at first."
I was so surprised by his response that I couldn't speak at first. Here is what he said.
"You know when you've wanted something for so long and you realize it probably won't happen, you let go of it. And when it does happen, you almost can't believe it. That 's how I feel about the baby. When I realized I wanted to marry you, I had to really think about the fact that you didn't want to have children because I had always wanted them. But, I would rather live the rest of my life with you and not have children than to spend my life without you. So now that we are actually having a baby, it's taking me a little time to get used to the idea that I get to have a baby with you."
Pretty powerful words. Probably the most powerful ones I've heard my whole life. Like I said, I was so overcome that I was speechless. When I looked into his eyes, I saw for the first time since we had been together, how much he truly loves me. And I almost missed out.
I almost missed out because I didn't believe in myself. I had let other people's perceptions and ideas of who I am cloud the strength of my abilities and the knowledge that I can do anything. Even with the unconditional love of a person I had chosen to spend my life with, I couldn't see my true self. Not only was I missing out, but he was missing out too, because of how I saw myself and how I felt about myself.
Our daughter is now four months old and we are happy to have every moment with her. She smiles, and our hearts just melt. It has not been without its struggles. But, we wouldn't trade it for the world. See, here's the point, the negative and painful issues that I had to work through to get here, I wouldn't change, even if I could go back and make it easier. Why? Because, it has helped shape who I am now. I made an investment in myself and not only changed my life for the better but my husband's and our daughter's as well.
