The Neighborhood Pimp: What I learned from someone I thought I knew by just looking at him

Dear Readers,
Since my daughter was born almost 6 months ago, I have spent a lot of time sitting in various parts of the house nursing her. One of my favorite places I have found myself most often is the living room couch. It faces the front yard and there is a large window that opens onto the busy street we live on. While I sat there, I started to notice people, dogs, people with their dogs, kids, families, delivery people, and the assorted lot go by my house. Things I had never noticed before. One of the more amusing things, was watching the neighborhood pimp ride by on his bicycle. He would leisurely glide into view and slip out as he headed toward the corner store and then back again in the other direction on his way home. Comical as it happened almost at the same time every day.

How do I know he's a pimp, you may be asking? Well, he used to be. We actually live on a nice street with well appointed houses and friendly neighbors. He happens to be one those people that somehow managed to run a pimping business right under our watchful neighborhood eyes. He was convicted and went to jail for some specified amount of time. I only know this because I attended a neighborhood association meeting and one of the residents asked what was to be done about the hooker that approached her husband at 4am while preparing to go on a fishing trip. I actually laughed out loud because of all the things you hear at those meetings, that is really the last thing I expected. The police Sargent attending the meeting said they were very close to making an arrest and so it went. He was arrested during a sting operation, convicted and sent to jail.

So for about the first three months of my daughter's life, I would sit on the couch and nurse her and call out to my husband, "There goes the neighborhood pimp!" It became a joke. We would drive by and mention to relatives or friends, "That's where the pimp lives." And of course, the reaction was worth it.

So one afternoon, I put the baby in the Bjorn, suited up the dog and went for a walk. As I got closer to the Pimp's house, the tasty aroma of something on the grill wafted past my nose. He happened to be out as I was walking by. "Hello, That is one beautiful dog", he greeted me. I was a bit surprised since he usually kept to himself. "Thanks. Smells great." I replied. "Boy or girl?" I looked up because I wasn't sure if he was referring to the dog or the baby. When I realized he was looking at the baby, I said, "girl." He responded, "She's beautiful. How old is she?" I told him about 4 months old. He said, "You know that's all that matters right now, is your little girl. Those little ones are special to this world." I was so surprised that it took me a minute to respond. "Thank you! Have yourself a good day." He smiled and went inside.

I realized in that moment, that I had judged him. Of course, he was guilty of the crime he had committed, but that had been years ago. Such a paradox isn't it? Someone who went to jail for committing a crime could also tell me something so simple and profound. And kind.

So during the rest of the walk, I reflected upon this moment. If I found it so easy to judge him, how much more easily do I judge myself? I'm not about to keep track, but I would say pretty damn often. We as human beings are so hard on ourselves. As a new mom, I have many moments where I judge myself for not doing the right thing or trying to be a perfectionist. At which point I had another observation. I judge myself harshly and yet I have much to be proud of. Through my training in Internal Energy Plus, I have learned to observe and be more aware. Without this training, I probably would have continued to see the Neighborhood Pimp without perception and consciousness.

I am grateful to the Neighborhood Pimp for reminding me of this lesson. And in doing so, I know that is something I can teach my daughter.

I almost missed out...

I gave birth to my daughter on April 28, 2208 at 5:04 am. It was not the birth we had planned and happened very unexpectedly and with complications. I had severe eclampsia, suffered a grand mal seizure in the middle of labor and pushed her out in 4 minutes because her heart rate had dropped. She was not breathing when she came out and as many moms know the first question out of my mouth was "Is she ok?" Of course no one would answer me and my husband just kept holding my hand. She was whisked away to the NICU and only a few minutes later, my husband was asked if he wanted to see her. I was relieved to hear those words. I was still hooked up to an IV of magnesium to keep me from seizing again, along with a Foley catheter and high on adrenalin from the excitement and seriousness of the situation. While I was being attended to, I told this story.

I knew when I met my husband that he was "the one." He was it. I knew from a very young age that I didn't want to have children. I had my reasons for it and they were valid to me, but I let him know up front. It was never an issue between us and we married a couple of years later.

In the past few years, I have worked through some issues that I didn't realize were keeping me from thinking differently about myself, particularly as possibly a parent. It seems, I never believed that I would make a good mother. I would watch the programs that show births and I never really believed that someone could be that happy to bring a child into the world. I would think to myself, "That can't possibly be true. It doesn't happen like that, does it?" After addressing the painful and difficult assumptions about myself, I realized I wanted nothing more than to have a baby. Especially with someone I admire, adore and truly love and respect with all my heart. Last year after two miscarriages, we became pregnant and I was as happy as the day we got married. We were delighted and I figured, we're on our way! But, my husband seemed a bit quiet and thoughtful over the next few weeks and didn't seem quite as excited as I was. Finally I had to ask, " What's up? You don't seem as happy about the baby as you were at first."

I was so surprised by his response that I couldn't speak at first. Here is what he said.
"You know when you've wanted something for so long and you realize it probably won't happen, you let go of it. And when it does happen, you almost can't believe it. That 's how I feel about the baby. When I realized I wanted to marry you, I had to really think about the fact that you didn't want to have children because I had always wanted them. But, I would rather live the rest of my life with you and not have children than to spend my life without you. So now that we are actually having a baby, it's taking me a little time to get used to the idea that I get to have a baby with you."

Pretty powerful words. Probably the most powerful ones I've heard my whole life. Like I said, I was so overcome that I was speechless. When I looked into his eyes, I saw for the first time since we had been together, how much he truly loves me. And I almost missed out.

I almost missed out because I didn't believe in myself. I had let other people's perceptions and ideas of who I am cloud the strength of my abilities and the knowledge that I can do anything. Even with the unconditional love of a person I had chosen to spend my life with, I couldn't see my true self. Not only was I missing out, but he was missing out too, because of how I saw myself and how I felt about myself.

Our daughter is now four months old and we are happy to have every moment with her. She smiles, and our hearts just melt. It has not been without its struggles. But, we wouldn't trade it for the world. See, here's the point, the negative and painful issues that I had to work through to get here, I wouldn't change, even if I could go back and make it easier. Why? Because, it has helped shape who I am now. I made an investment in myself and not only changed my life for the better but my husband's and our daughter's as well.

Where have I been?

Hello All,
I have been MIA, on hiatus, self-imposed exile, sabbatical, checked out, on leave, intermission, whatever you want to call it. Where have I been and what have I been doing? I had a baby! Yes, my first. A beautiful little girl. She has completely turned my world upside down. And I love it. These past four months have been the toughest, easiest, longest and shortest of my life. I have a lot of interesting, fascinating, entertaining, intriguing, challenging, stimulating things to tell you about my new life and my previous life. And of course, they include what I've learned about myself using the Internal Energy Plus Program. Suffice it to say, I have had quite the ride and IEP was something I was able to use to help myself work through it. Even during those late nights when I thought I would never sleep again!

Here's a taste of what's to come:
How did I get here?
The Neighborhood Pimp
Postpartum Depression
I'm more tired than you!
Who am I?

Be in touch soon!
Lola


While you're here, take a look at some of my favorite blogs and websites:
http://theinternalenergyplusforum.blogspot.com/
www.ciofoundation.org
http://ciofoncurrentevents.blogspot.com/